The wind blows through me.

Productivity isn't what it should be. I keep doing pages over and over again [Re: Untitled Short]. Think I know what to do to make it work. Just... not sure I want to do that yet.

I think it's probably the sign of a good writer when he can take on a project, and not invest himself personally in the project -- and I don't mean that in a "able to abdicate yourself of responsibility and feelings" for a project -- that's hacky, and ignores the fact that I actually like this concept, and am attached in a creative sort of way to it. What I'm talking about more is the masturbatory aspect to writing, and the ability to diverge from that, and write about something other than oneself.

In many ways, writing about yourself has a lot pro's. Most writers are relatively knowledgeable about themselves -- how could they not be? -- and many "newly made" writers often find their first success "writing where it hurts," I phrase I first heard on "Daria," actually. Very common in movies, especially -- look at "Clerks," or "Superbad." It is one of the few safe bets in writing, unless you're patently uninteresting or just a crappy story-teller, someone out there is going to be able to enjoy/empathize with your plight, and you've got a winner.

It is also a double-edged sword. For one, the loss of privacy is immense, and rarely can you hide behind the "based on" or "work of fiction" excuses. People aren't idiots, and even when they are, some lies are just never believable. It also means whatever you sit down to write is going to become a part of you, and you're basically scraping at new and old wounds, and trying to find a semi-technical way in order those feelings. Things that are easier when you can distance yourself from a project -- attachment, criticism, I'm sure there are more, aren't there, and while time may help you out from under them, you're now tethered to a project in a way you were never asked to be. And doing that for anyone, a friend, a boss, yourself, it just sucks. I envy the people who are idea-masters, who can write about characters and concepts, and not have them be "about anything" all the time. After college, after Steven Bach, I'm starting to think I don't have it in me anymore.

Which means... violating myself a bit. I think I see why most writers drank. I'm getting there... to the writing, not the drinking. Time for a fresh start.

Occurs to me that finishing "Calamity Cash" more or less proves me wrong, though. I guess not everything has to be personal. Maybe some projects just call for it more. Justin and I were talking about finding a font for the comic tonight [Re: Calamity Cash and the Town with No Name]. I'm going to ask Sam if she's scored anything that looks good that we wouldn't have to pay for. If not, who knows? Justin thinks he'll start the first page tonight or tomorrow.

Other news. Thinking about things... absolutes on lines. If everything could be presented on a scale of one to ten. Like say, in life, there's a the line of what a person can take, and a line of how bad things can get. And maybe for some people, they'll never see a "10" on the how bad things can get line -- some would argue that most don't see anything worst than a "6." And that's really the only line anyone ever looks at, because people tend to be pretty crappy about seeing the line of how much someone can handle. So we'll see someone having trouble with a "5" or a "7" and think, that's bad, but it's not that bad. It's not a "10." How can you get beat by something that's not a ten? But what if on that personal line, the worst someone can take is a "7"? What if what's hard, and what's bad are subjective, but still affective on one another? We're not all strong. Sometimes we fall, and its not as unexpected as everyone thinks.

Got a haircut yesterday. Pretty short. Actually not thinking it was the best decision, aesthetically speaking, but I still kind of like it. Like, it's not drastic, but its drastic enough to make me feel better, like a change was made.

Talked to Kyle. He read "Un-filmable" and was so amazingly complimentary. I'm glad. I'm always mildly worried people will find it a waste of their time, or not their style -- snuff porn and jokes about geeky nigh-pederasty is not exactly high art. But Kyle legitimately seemed to enjoy it, and is excited to see what I do with the short. I'd like to see what I'm going to do too, because what I'm doing now isn't cutting it. It was nice to finally talk to him on the phone too -- put a voice with the guy. I like his enthusiasm. Even if nothing comes of this, it feels important, and that keeps me on my toes. Good things.

The church next door is having a "Judgement House" on Halloween. I'm so tempted to go, even if it's by myself. I mean, that door is wide open for great things, I figure. But I promised myself I'd try and stay available Halloween week for friend, who I said I'd always be there for. Likely she won't need me, but just in case...

It's nearby. Maybe I can do both. I keep wishing I had more cash, a car, and a partner in crime. I'd just try to hit as many as possible, all night long. A handful of ones, and the road. Every crappy Haunted and Judgement House on the river. I'm vaguely reminded of being across the street from live mud wrestling one night with Justin, and not taking advantage -- feels like this is an opportunity in the same range.

Not sleeping well. Isn't helping the writing much either. Lots more panic attacks this week, upset stomach. Hysteria? Hopefully will pass.

Big news? Getting high-speed soon. Will that change the blog, and posting? We'll see.

Thinking of putting up a short I wrote several months back. Not likely to come of anything, but it would be interesting to put up. The same with SULK #2, which Sam and I never made, but I had a full script for. I liked it, even though it wasn't my best work. I'll have to see if it's possible.

Shalom.